Audience Partc-I-Pation

Science Fiction/Double Feature
Church Scene
Criminologist's Office
Car Scene
Criminologist's Office
Castle
Laboratory Scene
Criminologist's Office
Janet's Bedroom
Brad's Bedroom
Laboratory
Criminologist's Office
Laboratory
Dinner Table
Laboratory
Criminologist's Office
Floor Show/Finale
Criminologist's Office





Libretto >> back to top
(Before Appearance Of Lips)
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, God said "Let there be lips". And there were, and they were good.

Science Fiction/Double Feature
LIPS: And he told us where we stand....
- On our feet


LIPS: Claude Rains was the Invisible Man...
- Who's Claude Rains?


LIPS: They got caught in a celluloid jam...
- yeah Jam!


LIPS: It came from...
- Where


LIPS: Outer Space...
- Thank you!


LIPS: I saw that Leo G. Carroll...
- Was fucking a barrel


LIPS: When Tarantula took to the hills...
- Lick it!


LIPS: And I really got hot when I saw...
- Janet's twat


LIPS: That spits poison and kills...
- Yeah, kills


LIPS: Dana Andrews said prunes...
- Gave him the shits


LIPS: And passing them used lots of skills
- Yeah, skills!


LIPS: But when worlds collide...
- Boom


LIPS: I'm gonna give ya...
- Some joins and some pills


LIPS: Like a...
- Like what


LIPS: In the back row...
- Fuck the back row



Church Scene >> back to top
RALPH: Betty's gonna throw the bouquet...
- Hey Janet, do you have syph?


RALPH: Hey, big fellow...
- How would you know?


RALPH: See ya, Brad...
- See ya sucker


RALPH: Come on Betty, hop in...
- Think about it asshole...Wait til
tonight, she got hers, now he'll
get his.


JANET: Now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapschatt...
- Hapshit...


BRAD: Ralph's a lucky guy...
- No he's not. She's got syph.


WOMAN: I always cry at weddings...
- so do I, honey


BRAD: Betty's a wonderful little cook...
- She's the hottest baked potato in
Denton...yeah Denton! The home of
happiness.


BRAD: A promotion in a year or two...
- If he doesn't get busted first


BRAD: Hey, Janet...
- Sit on my face and wiggle...


BRAD: I've got something to say...
- Say it


BRAD: I really love the...
- Starts with an "S".
Sku..Sku..Sku..Sku..


BRAD: Skillful way...
- What a fuckin' genius


BRAD: You beat the other girls...
- with whips and chains


BRAD: To the bridal bouquet...
- And that too


BRAD: There's three ways that love can grow...
- sex, drugs and rock and roll


BRAD: That's...
- Gay, straight and mediocre


BRAD: Oh J-A-N-E-T...
- I want a blow


JANET: I'm so glad that you...
- Fuck Mom and you blow Dad


JANET: Oh, Brad...
- Oh, shit


JANET: I'm mad...
- Oh, shit


JANET: Made me...
- Piss in my pants and then panic


JANET: Oh, Brad...
- You fag...I love you.



Criminologist's Office >> back to top
(At the beginning of scene)... - The man you are about to see has no
fuckin' neck. Where's your fuckin'
neck?


CRIM: I would like...
- you would, would you?


CRIM: If I may...
- You may


CRIM: To take you...
- Where?


CRIM: On a strange journey...
- How strange was it? It was so strange
they made a movie about it; not the
book, the movie.


CRIM: It was a fairly ordinary night...
- Ordinary?


CRIM: When Brad Majors...
- Asshole


CRIM: And his Fiancee...
- Slut


CRIM: Janet Weiss...
- Veisss!


CRIM: Two young healthy kids...
- Healthy?


CRIM: Professor Everett...
- Snot (Boos & Hisses)


CRIM: Now friend to both of them...
- Is it true that you're constipated?


CRIM: There were dark storm clouds...
- Describe your balls


CRIM: They were driving...
- is it true you're also gay?


CRIM: Badly in need of some air...
- so's your fuckin' neck


CRIM: Normal kids
- normal?


CRIM: Spoil the events of the evening...
- certainly not


CRIM: On a night out...
- Come a little bit closer, Chuckie


CRIM: They were going to remember...
- For how long?


CRIM: A very long time...
- What a fuckin' drip



Car Scene >> back to top
(Scene opens) - Hey dick, have you ever been a
quitter?


NIXON: I have never been a quitter...
- Bullshit


NIXON: To every instinct in my body
- You call that a body?


NIXON: But as President...
- You call that a President?


NIXON: The interest of America first...
- What does America need, Dick?


NIXON: Needs a full-time President...
- What else?


BRAD: To that type...
- Yeah! That type!


JANET: What's the matter Brad?...
- Make a sound like a cow.


BRAD: A few miles back...
- Asshole


BRAD: Just have to turn back...
- Look out!


JANET: What was the bang?
- A gang bang


BRAD: That spare tire fixed...
- Asshole


JANET: In the middle of nowhere...
- What's white and sells hamburgers?


JANET: I'm coming with you...
- That'll be a first


JANET: Might be a beautiful woman...
- He is!


JANET: Never come back again...
- You should be so lucky!


(Before Janet sings) - Buy an umbrella you cheap bitch...
Sing bitch!


JANET: Burning bright...
- What's up your ass?


JANET: There's a guiding star...
- That must hurt


(Before Riff sings) - Sing to us O Hairless One!



Criminologist's Office >> back to top
(At end of Song) - And Betsy Ross used to sit home
and sew and sew and...


CRIM: That their plight required...
- Are you sure?


CRIM: Or had they?
- Nyah-ha-ha



Castle >> back to top
(Doorbell rings) - Ding-dong asshole calling.


(Door creaks) - Say hello, Riff


BRAD: Hi, my name is Brad Majors...
- Asshole


BRAD: My fiancee, Janet Weiss...
- Veiss!!


BRAD: You have a phone we might use...
- Look between Janet's legs


JANET: Yes, it's raining
- No shit, Sherlock - are you an
asshole, Brad?


BRAD: Yes...
- Are you on drugs, Riff?


RIFF: Perhaps you better both...
- Get lost


RIFF: Come inside...
- I don't care where you come, as long
as you clean it up.


BRAD: Hunting lodge for rich weirdos...
- Yeah, rich weirdos...Hey Riff, which
way?


RIFF: This way...
- Follow the Bouncing Thumb


JANET: Are you having a party?
- No, it's my sister's Bas Mitzvah


RIFF: It's one of the master's affairs
- Which one?


(Clock chimes) - Hey Riff, show us your mother


RIFF: I've got to...
- Smoke a bowl


RIFF: I remember doing the Time Warp...
- 1, 2


(Before criminologist) - How is it done?


MAGENTA: Into the time slip...
- Work that bird


(Columbia's tap dance) - 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, Eat your heart
out Ann Miller


JANET: Say something...
- Say something stupid


BRAD: How to do the Madison...
- I do the rock myself, I do the swim


BRAD: In a bit of a hurry...
- Left


JANET: Right...
- Left


BRAD: We don't want to be any worry
- (simultaneously) We both want to
fuck Tim Curry


FRANK: Stay for the night...
- Night!


FRANK: Maybe a bite...
- Bite


FRANK: My favorite obsession...
- Sex


FRANK: I've been making a man...
- You call that a man


FRANK: Good for relieving my...
- Sexual


FRANK: So...
- What


FRANK: Come up to the lab...
- And fuck me on the slab


FRANK: With antici...
- Say it, Consta...


FRANK: So I'll remove...
- Your clothes. But what about those
nasty symptoms?


(Before Brad says "Thank You") - What do you say when Frank fucks
you?


COLUMBIA: Too nice a job to rush...
- Yeah, rush!


BRAD: My name is Brad Majors...
- Asshole


BRAD: Janet Weiss...
- Veiss...Hey Brad, how do you spell
urinate?


COLUMBIA: Right arm for the privilege...
- Or their left tit.


MAGENTA: The master does not like to be kept waiting.
- What do you do to an uncomfortable
cock? (pause) Drop it! Thank you!


RIFF: We are simply his...
- slaves



Laboratory Scene >> back to top
(Before "Frank" says "Magenta") - What's your favorite color?


FRANK: Magenta...
- Where do you get your pot?


FRANK: Go and assist...
- Woof-woof


BRAD: Brad Majors...
- Asshole


BRAD: My fiancee, Janet Veiss...
- Weiss!


BRAD: Weiss...
- Frank, do you speak French?


FRANK: It'll make you feel less...
- Naked


FRANK: Offer them...
- Horse brutality


BRAD: Ungrateful!
- Superman!


FRANK: Perfect specimen of manhood, so...
- Big


FRANK: Proud of him Janet...
- Hey Janet, are you a slut?


RIFF: Merely await your word...
- (Pause) - Hey Frank, when's the
orgy?


FRANK: An accident to make it happen...
- A what?


FRANK: That elusive ingredient...
- Who's your favorite character on
Star Trek?


FRANK: Breath of life...
- Are you going to fuck everyone in
the audience tonight?


FRANK: Yes...
- Do you know about gay sex?


FRANK: I have that knowledge...
- What do you hold under your arm?


FRANK: I hold the secret...
- To life?


FRANK: To life...
- Itself?


FRANK: Destined to be...
- Fucked!


FRANK: OK?
- Hey Frank, how do you kill roaches?


FRANK: Do better than that...
- Why don't you ask Brad and Janet?


FRANK: What do you think of him?
- Lie, Janet


JANET: With too many muscles...
- Just one big one


FRANK: Make him glisten...
- What's your favorite toothpaste?


FRANK: Snatch, clean and jerk...
- Off


FRANK: One from the vaults...
- A greaser from the freezer, a bat out
of hell


FRANK: Oh Baby!
- I'm upset


FRANK: It was a mercy killing...
- Mercy, mercy, mercy


FRANK: Make me...
- Ooh! Dance with a midget.


FRANK: Take Charles Atlas by the...
- Balls


FRANK: In just seven days...
- That's a week


FRANK: Just Dynamic Tension...
- Sing it bitch



Criminologist's Office >> back to top
(As scene begins) - I say that life is an illusion


CRIM: Life is an illusion...
- Like your neck


CRIM: Figment of our imagination...
- Like your neck


CRIM: Somber Bridal...
- Sweeeeet!


CRIM: A feeling which...
- Greeeew! Unlike your neck



Janet's Bedroom >> back to top
JANET: Come in...
- And out and in again


FRANK: Why, nothing...
- Yet!


FRANK: All bad, is it...
- It isn't all Brad either


FRANK: Not all spent yet...
- For a nickel I will


FRANK: Cross my heart and hope to die...
- Stick a Dildo in my eye



Brad's Bedroom >> back to top
BRAD: What have you done with Janet?
- Fucked the shit out of her


BRAD: Never, Never...
- Never, Never


BRAD: I thought it was the real thing...
- It is!


FRANK: Giving yourself over to pleasure...
- It is in New Jersey


FRANK: Coming!
- So is Brad



Laboratory >> back to top
JANET: Oh, Brad...
- Oh, Janet


JANET: Brad, my darling
- Janet, my fish


JANET: How could I have done this to you...
- It was easy. But it would have been
easier without the pantyhose.


JANET: If only we hadn't made this journey...
- But you did


JANET: If only the car hadn't broken down...
- But it did


JANET: If only we were amongst friends...
- But you aren't


JANET: Or sane persons...
- Two out of three ain't bad


ROCKY: (Crying)
- Leave him alone, he's monsterbating


JANET: Did they do this to you...
- They sure did! Those sniveling shits!


JANET: Dress your wounds...
- And undress mine


JANET: Baby there...
- That's no baby Janet. 1, 2, 3, Hey
Janet, you wanna fuck?



Criminologist's Office >> back to top
CRIM: Mental state...
- And you can only read about it,
Shitlips


CRIM: A highly and irrational...
- Mouthwash


CRIM: Janet was indeed...
- A nymphomaniac



Laboratory >> back to top
JANET: I was feeling done in...
- And pushed up


JANET: Couldn't win
- Like the Mets


JANET: I only ever kissed before...
- What a crock of shit


JANET: I thought there's no use getting...
- Laid


JANET: And seat wetting...
- Yeah! Wet seats!


JANET: And I want more...
- More, more, more


JANET: And rub you down...
- Down, down, down


(As Frank starts whipping) - Hit him! Hit him, again! Hit him,
harder!


RIFF: Master, we have a visitor...
- What does Captain Kirk say to his
Chief Engineer?


BRAD: Happens to be a friend of mine...
- What's your favorite fruit drink?


FRANK: You came here on...
- A porpoise!


BRAD: I was telling...
- A lie


RIFF: The intruder has entered the building, master...
- Where could he be?


FRANK: In the Zen Room!
- Not the Zen Room!


FRANK: In person...
- Oh, no, not the Triple-Contact-
Electro-Magnet


SCOTT: Frank-N-Furter...
- Mit Kraut!


SCOTT: We meet at last...
- No, we meet at first


SCOTT: Brad, what are you doing here?
- Oh, just fucking around


FRANK: What Brad Majors is doing here...
- Getting good head


FRANK: I know Brad is...
- You promised you wouldn't tell


SCOTT: To find Eddie...
- Sweatty!


FRANK: What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?
- Get conceited


SCOTT: Eddie happens to be...
- My dinner!


(Janet moans) - You blew it, bitch!...Mouseketeer role
call, sound off


(Repeat all names, after each "Rocky") - Uhhh!


MAGENTA: Master, dinner is prepared...
- And we helped! What do you think of
oral sex?


FRANK: Formal dress is to be optional...
- Toga! Toga! Toga!



Dinner Table >> back to top
(Various ad-libs while dinner is served)


FRANK: A toast...
- To cannibalism


FRANK: Happy birthday to you...
- Woo!


FRANK: Happy birthday to you...
- Woo!


FRANK: Shall we?
- Hey Riff, deal me a slice


FRANK: Another slice, anyone?
- And you took the food right out of
my mouth, oh it must have been
while you were chewing me.


FRANK: Dr. Scott...
- Janet, Brad, Rocky, uhhh!


SCOTT: From the day he vas born...
- Not the night, but the day


SCOTT: He vas trouble...
- Not monopoly, but trouble


SCOTT: He vas the thorn...
- Not the rose, but the thorn


SCOTT: In his Mother's side...
- Not the back, but the side


SCOTT: She tried in vain...
- Not the artery, but the vein


SCOTT: Nothing but shame...
- Shame, shame, shame


SCOTT: He left home the day she died...
- It's Rockin' Scott


(After next four lines...) - Shoo-Bop, Shoo-Bop, Bop


CRIM: Low-down cheap little punk...
- Yeah, punk!


SCOTT: But he must have been drawn...
- Shoo-Bop, Shoo-Bop, Bop
(Also after next two lines)


SCOTT: In a note which reads...
- What's it say, what's it say?



Laboratory >> back to top
BRAD: You mean...
- A vibrator


CRIM: And then she cried out...
- More! More! More!


JANET: You're a hot dog!
- Who's Tim Curry?


COLUMBIA: I loved you...
- What did you say?


FRANK: Not easy having a good time...
- Try Disneyworld


FRANK: And you shall receive it in abundance...
- What tastes good on cornflakes?



Criminologist's Office >> back to top
CRIM: Brad and Janet had both tasted...
- Frank's cock


CRIM: Forbidden fruit...
- Yeah! Frank's cock!


CRIM: Of little morals...
- Yeah! Little morals!


CRIM: And some persuasion...
- Yeah! Persuasion!


CRIM: And what of the Floor Show...
- Yeah! Floor Show!


CRIM: What indeed...
- Where do you masturbate?


CRIM: In an empty house...
- When do you masturbate?


CRIM: In the middle of the night...
- The rates are cheaper


CRIM: Crazed imagination...
- Yeah! Diabolical plan that seized
Frank's crazed imagination.


CRIM: That this was going to be...
- A picnic?


CRIM: No picnic...
- Oh shit! And I brought the ants!



Floor Show/Finale >> back to top
COLUMBIA: The only thing that gives me hope...
- Is smoking dope


COLUMBIA: My love of a certain dope...
- Yeah! Dope!


ROCKY: I am just seven hours old...
- And can't dance


ROCKY: The only thing I've come to trust...
- Is Janet's bust


ROCKY: Rush of lust...
- Yeah! Rush!


FRANK: Whatever happened to Fay Wray?
- She went apeshit!


FRANK: As it clung to her thigh...
- What? The apeshit?


FRANK: How I started to cry...
- I'd cry too, if I had apeshit on my
thigh


FRANK: I wanted to be dressed just the same...
- So did I, honey


(Various ad-libs while Frank is in Pool)


SCOTT: We've got to get...
- The fuck


SCOTT: My mind may snap...
- Crackle and pop


SCOTT: My life will be lived...
- Ok! America, show us your underalls


JANET: God bless Lili St. Cyr...
- Hey Frank, whose pool is it?


FRANK: Wait...
- Can you explain?


FRANK: I can explain...
- This better be good, you got shot the
last time.


(Start of "I'm Going Home" music) - Ladies and Gentlemen, for one night
and one night only, Alfalfa's shadow.


FRANK: I want to come again...
- So does Brad!


MAGENTA: How sentimental...
- You bitch


SCOTT: Society must be protected...
- Fuck society!


RIFF: Say goodbye to all of this...
- Goodbye, to all of this


RIFF: And Hello...
- Hello


RIFF: To oblivion...
- Hi oblivion, how's the wife and kids?
(pause) First one to scream gets it
right between the tits.


MAGENTA: They liked you...
- Get paranoid, Riff


SCOTT: You did right...
- Slowly I turn, step by step, inch by
inch


SCOTT: You OK by me...
- Na-Nu, Na-Nu


RIFF: I'm sorry about your...
- Dinner?


SCOTT: Eddie?...
- No, Penelope - What should they
do?


RIFF: Go...
- When?


RIFF: My most...
- Ugly Q-tip


MAGENTA: Ah, sweet transexual...
- You called


MAGENTA: Land of night...
- And high electric bills


MAGENTA: To take that...
- Start with an "S". Stu...stu...



Criminologist's Office >> back to top
CRIM: And Crawling on the planet's face...
- What are Disco People?


CRIM: Lost in time...
- What's your favorite TV show?


CRIM: And lost in space...
- What does this movie lack?



THE END